This is goi to be ful of typos cause for some reasonmy laptop doesn’t get on well with tumblr, and I am too godamned tired to try to fix it.
I know I have no right to complain, lots of people have it worse than me. Hell that’s part of the issue. I just can’t see any light or goodness about life or in the world. Seems like everything and everybody is just always suffering. I don’t see anything to look forward to. If life is shit for everyone then what’s the point in it?
I am sick to hell with being in pain all the time. I’m sick of every waking moment being obsessed by want
ing to binge but at the same time never wanting to eat a crumb, because of this control/weight/whatever the hell issue I have. I am sick of wanting to sleep all of the time, yet even if I do I am always fucking exhausted. I am sick of my health being everyone’s favourite topic. I am sick of computer/TV screens, and the walls of my house. I am sick of the fact that although I am complaining a hell of a lot right now, my lift is by no means the worst, and so many people have it worse. That means that even if i do ever recover, I haven’t got anything to look forward to because life sucks for the healthy people too. I am sick of every day ending up in tears at least once,. I am sick of the fact that Leon is dead and I can’t see him. I am sick of my head being full of him. I am sick of missing him. I am sick of the fact that I dread the one day a week when I do my favourite thing, because my damn illness means I don’t enjoy it. I am sick of this damn brain fog, and the aches in all of my body. I am sick of the waiting for the CFS/ME clinic to actually get back to me, even though what can they even do when they do reply? Put me on crazy pills to make me happy? Make me talk to a counsellor about the fact that life is shit? I am sick of causing all my family and friends to worry about me, when they have enough on their plates as it is. This is a stupid post its depressive and self centred and over dramatic or whatever. I just don’t want to do this “life” thing anymore, because what’s the effing point. NO-one’s ever happy. But there’s no way to get out of this life thing. At least if my illness had an end-date looming I would know that it was finite. But after Leon’s death, I can’t say things like that about life being pointless, because his death has brken everyone, and i don’t want them to break any more.
No I am no suicidal, or mentally unstable. This is just a ranty, stupid teenage post because life is just shut up serena know ono-ne’s even reading this.