I’m sorry that all of my personal blog posts have been so depressing recently. I know that it’s boring, and clogs up your dash, and it is unmotivational and pathetic compared to all you fabulous fitblrs out there. I just don’t know what else to do. I am so pathetic at the moment, I can’t handle anything. Literally, the fact that my laptop keyboard is fucking up and making typing bloody hard has gotten me in a state. It’s pathetic, so many people go through so much, and are so strong, going through hell yet still being impressive as fuck. I don’t “go through” anything. I have school work, but i mean i am a healthy teenage girl, i get on with my family, I don’t have anything in my life to complain about, yet i am too weak to handle anything. My mind feels like a battlefield. I haven’t been eating much this week, and my brain is caught between telling me I should eat more, and the other half telling me to man the hell up, cause other people survive on less and don’t complain. I haven’t been running since Saturday, because I am LAZY and PATHETIC. Honestly, people with disabilities, or full time jobs can keep up running habits, yet me, a teenage girl who just has school and a few sports clubs, is failing just because it’s windy outside, and I “had a headache”. My sister is a good person. If she has ANY spare time, alongside the degree she’s gonna ace, she will go out running, or be generally wonderful in some other way. Everything she does is fast, and energetic, whereas I act like it’s too much effort to do even the tiny non-things, which I even enjoy doing! It makes me wanna throw up, it’s disgusting, that one person can be this way. The worst part it, I have just run out of things I even remotely like about myself. I don’t feel proud of my appearance (lets not go into how fat and chunky, and awful-hair etc I look at the moment), I don’t feel proud of my thoughts, I don’t feel proud of my actions. There is no area of me which i like, and I am sick of it. How could i ever expect anyone to like, let aloen love me, when I don’t have anything making me deserve it. My homework is half-arsed and shit, i am probably barely gonna even pass the ib, let alone all this talk of going to veterinary school. I am fucking messed up, i cry all evening because of not doing anything productive, which ends up making me get even less done. I cry and scream and punch walls when I’m home alone, and little things go wrong, even tiny things like spilling the soup I shouldn’t have been eating. I’m the sort of person who gets irritated by all her friends, even though my friends are 100x better people than me and I know it. I’m the kind of person who makes sarcastic bitchy comments in my head, and what if one day someone gets hurt by one of those comments? I don’t know what i am looking for in life. I spend all day wishing it was night-time, so i could have an excuse to be curled up in a dark room, and not exercise or do school work. I am tired of feeling this al day everyday, and its bloody ridiculous that i feel this way, because i don’t have anything to cause it, i’ve been so lucky and privilidged with my life, to be born into a middle class, happy family. Why am I like this?